The Dos and Don’ts of French Manners
A long-time expat’s guide to navigating the unspoken rules of French life.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. A great proverb… but not easy to apply to France, where centuries of subtleties and nuances make things trés compliquées. Though I’ve lived in France for decades—and married a Frenchman—I still commit the occasional faux pas.
Here are a few dos and don’ts that I’ve learned over the years…
DON’T talk about money.
DON’T arrive at the announced time. (15 minutes later is okay. Any earlier? Oh là là!)
DON’T bring chrysanthemums (reserved for cemeteries) or carnations (bad luck) to a dinner party.
DO put your hands on the table, not under it (to avoid accusations of hanky panky).
DO be aware that les bises (air kisses on the cheek) vary wildly depending on the region and the relationship. Men can give les bises to women, but generally don’t to other men. Women often give unfamiliar men a handshake. In short: it’s complicated. So do your research ahead of time!
DO play it safe when deciding whether to use vous (the formal "you") or tu (the informal "you"). Start with vous and only go to tu if asked.
DO smile. And don’t be surprised if no one smiles back. Remember: the artist Jean Cocteau called his compatriots "Italians in a bad mood."
You may never master all the rules of etiquette that have been refined since the French kings pitched camp in Versailles… but here’s a real no-no. Never ask a question such as "Où est la Tour Eiffel?" without the indispensable, non-negotiable, "Bonjour, Monsieur" or "Bonjour, Madame."
Not too long ago, I unwittingly made this fatal error. The scene of the crime: a newspaper kiosk. Not seeing a soul, I was leaving when the owner appeared out of nowhere and hailed me with an outraged "On dit bonjour!" You must say hello!
If this "bonjour" rule is the only one you get straight, don’t worry about the others. Should you move here as I did, you’ll learn the hard way. If not… relax. Being a foreigner is your best excuse.
—Harriet Welty Rochefort
Editor’s note: You can learn more from Harriet in her charming books on French culture, and by following her Substack channel, Harriet in Paris, for more stories, tips, and insights on life in France.
France vs. America: The Real Cultural Differences
If Harriet’s tips have you smiling (or nervously checking your mental etiquette list), you’ll enjoy hearing more from her directly.
In the video below, IL Executive Editor Jen Stevens speaks with Harriet about her life, her writing, and her decades-long quest to understand French culture. With her trademark humor and insight, she shares what she’s learned about navigating daily life, from the quirks of social interaction to the deeper differences between France and the U.S.
Editor’s Note: This conversation with Harriet Welty Rochefort is just one example of the exclusive interviews, behind-the-scenes stories, and insider tips our members enjoy every month. As a member, you’ll not only get access to these videos—you’ll also have the chance to put your own questions directly to our experts, just as you’ll see in this video.
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